If you’re on Facebook at all, then you have probably seen a rather angry article floating around about the evils of childless millennials taking over Disney world. The expletive-laced tirade stated,

“It pisses me off TO NO END!!!!! when I see CHILDLESS COUPLES WITHOUT AT DISNEY WORLD!!!!” as well as the exceptionally articulate, “People without CHILDREN need to be BANNED!!!!! Mothers with children should be allowed to skip ALL THE LINE!!!”

And you know what, sassy no-doubt sunburned mother of an impatient pretzel craving deviant?

I agree with you.

You, dear lady clearly in need of some therapy, have made some fantastic points. Disney and its variety of attractions are most certainly not meant for millennials or couples without children. (By the by, I’m terribly sorry my infertile womb disappointed you. To be fair, it’s been disappointing me for years. And here I was thinking the worst of it was the miscarriage. I’ve since recanted my statement and hereby declare your mouse-shaped pretzel debacle to be the clear winner in heartache.) One good look around Disney will clearly prove this anonymous crier’s point: Look to the expensive Dooney & Burke goods themed with cartoon characters and silhouettes of Minnie. Clearly those $100+ price tags were meant for your seven year old. The variety of food and adult bevies during the ever popular Food & Wine festival are 100% sans liquor, entirely child safe and pitched in such a way that no adult would ever dare crave them.

Maybe I’ve got the idea wrong, here. Maybe what she wanted was a section that was segregated, where parents with small, helpless, and clearly impatient children should be kept safe from the throngs of millennials and childless couples of any ages who paid the exact same amount for their admission as she did. (Personally, I support this idea. Please separate us from the parents with children. PLEASE.)

To be honest, I think that the premise isn’t drastic enough. Disney isn’t not just for “childless millennials,” but it also isn’t for children.

Disney is not for children.

In fact, I have a strong suspicion with a LOT of evidence that says Disney was never intended for humans at all. Everywhere you look there are anthropomorphic and stylized animals! Bears, pigs, tigers . . . Even a BEAST. There are houses for ducks, dogs, chipmunks, and I have personally danced with a fox and a rabbit. And none of this takes into account the sheer HOARDS OF MICE. I mean, THERE ARE MICE EVERYWHERE!!! You can’t go into a single portion of any park and not see something of a mouse. Symbols are even cleverly hidden throughout every park. Whether it was written by a previous civilization warning us of their evils, or some form of alien communication, or some sort of cult, I don’t know. But I do know this: IT IS EVERYWHERE. It is INFESTED, I tell you!

In the linked article above, author Johnny Oleksinski has even more faults to find with millennials: we choose to spend our money on things he doesn’t think are cultured:

“But another oft ignored problem with letting a kids brand control your adult life is the stupidity and culture ignorance it leads to. You’re skipping great films such as “Booksmart” and “The Farewell” to relive second grade. And your annual (or more, God help us) trip to Disney World costs as much — and more in some cases — than a trip to Europe, South America or Canada, where you would meet people different from yourself. People for whom the only color of the wind is see-through. Fanny-pack-less people.”

Yes, this “kids brand” is dangerous, everyone. They are really out to control our lives. And as someone who HAS traveled to 8 different countries, I have clearly let myself be duped, fallen for the wiles of The Mouse. HOW DARE I enjoy an environment where I feel safe to travel to as a woman by myself among well-kept venues and a variety of entertainment? HOW DARE I appreciate the imagination and childlike wonder while simultaneously being a higher educated, well trained, politically informed, worldly traveled, adult? CLEARLY I should have made my entertainment choices solely based on what others would consider “mature.” My error is grave, and I a BEG YOU not to repeat my sin.

IN FACT, I believe it is such an infectious malady that I believe it is necessary to point out these miscreants with a clear label, akin to the crimson “A” that adorned dear Hester in The Scarlet Letter. To that end, I present you with the perfect solution:

And if you, like me, want to warn other so that they do not catch your disease (I admit it is EXTREMELY CONTAGIOUS) you can pick yours up here in my shop in sizes XS-3X.

shop.ambertheblog.com

Please, PLEASE be careful out there.